


i can't sleep (without you)

by emperorgowon



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: F/F, and she's soft for jungeun, haseul and vivi are good friends, it all works out in the end, it doesn't do much and haseul makes her stop, jinsoul is a good girlfriend, jinsoul works the night shift and jungeun is lonely, jiwoo comes through, jungeun misses jinsoul more than she'll admit, she copes by drinking tons of caffeine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-18
Updated: 2018-08-18
Packaged: 2019-06-29 09:20:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15726507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emperorgowon/pseuds/emperorgowon
Summary: Jinsoul has to work the night shift, and Jungeun can't sleep knowing that she isn't beside her.Inspired by a line from Kim Lip's B-side "Twilight".





	i can't sleep (without you)

Jungeun walks into a cold, empty apartment for the sixth time in a row. She’s way too tired to even acknowledge her disappointment, instead throwing herself onto the first piece of furniture she spots. Today has been a bad day and she wants nothing more but to vent to someone.

 

Her coworker ate her lunch for the third time and she couldn’t restrain the anger that had bubbled up in her chest. She snapped, going off on him for taking the food that her girlfriend had worked so hard on. Jinsoul had woken up early—she _never_ gets up early, only ever waking to give Jungeun a kiss before she’s off to work—insisting she put something together for her. All the while, she apologized for how “lazy” it was, but Jungeun reassured her. Yet here this dumbass was, eating it even though she had written her name carefully on a post-it to indicate it was hers.

 

She thinks she might have thrown a couple dollar bills at him, but she isn’t sure. She can’t remember half of what happened, except for when she began to shout and his pale face, twisted into a frightened expression, right before he stumbled away from her. Did she cross the line? Truthfully, she isn’t sure and needs Jinsoul’s reassurance. She hopes she doesn’t get fired.

 

Letting out a sigh, she forces herself into an upright position. The living room alone feels all too big for her and she frowns. Her frustration dissipates, being replaced by an overwhelming amount of longing. She clutches her coat tightly, wrapping it around her in an attempt to push away any unwanted emotions. It’s a poor attempt as she immediately wishes it was Jinsoul’s arms wrapped around her instead.

 

Her fingers itch, desperately wanting to pick up her phone and shoot Jinsoul a text or even _call_ her. The idea is shut down as soon as it comes because not only would she be a bother, but she would be proving Jinsoul right. Her girlfriend had teased her when she first broke the news, saying that she wouldn’t be able to last. She was right—she’s _always_ right—but Jungeun doesn’t need her knowing that. She doesn’t want her girlfriend to know how quickly she falls apart when she’s not around.

 

So she grabs a can of soda out of the fridge, busying her fingers with opening it

 

The sound of it opening seems to echo throughout the apartment. She wastes no time gulping it down, only pulling it away from her lips when she becomes lightheaded. Truth be told, she’s never been one for soft drinks, she still isn’t. She’s gone through countless cans recently, but even now as the taste lingers on her tongue, she can’t say she’s gotten used to it. But that doesn’t mean she’ll stop drinking it because something about it—she thinks it might be the caffeine—makes it’s easier to get through the day.

 

She raises the can to her lips, tilting her head back, awaiting the sickeningly sweet taste to coat her tongue and the inside of her mouth, only for a few mere drops to come out. Did she drink more than she initially thought? Had she been drinking it this whole time without knowing? She isn’t sure, but she’s sure of one thing.

 

She should really stop drinking so much of it before she develops an addiction. (Maybe it’s too late for that though.)

 

                                                                                                        ~*~

 

It’s been a week and a half and Jungeun would like to say she’s pulled herself together, but it’s the complete opposite. She’s switched from soda to energy drinks—more specifically, Red Bull. The taste is no better than the taste of Coca-Cola so she’s not proud of the change. She regrets letting her curiosity get the best of her.

 

It’s her curiosity that persuaded her to buy the tall can that contained the mysterious drink, all the while whispering in her ear that it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try. It’s her curiosity that resulted in her taking a cautious sip that she immediately regretted. Although, she won’t blame her curiosity entirely because she actually _likes_ it. Not the taste, but the feeling that comes with it.

 

She wishes she didn’t because she guzzles down so much of it that it’s almost impossible to sleep at night. Her mind overflows with thoughts that flood her brain, making it difficult to drift off into a deep sleep. A buzzing sensation consumes her body, restlessness seeping into every muscle, and she almost feels like a little kid again, completely unable to stay still.

 

The feeling is temporary as exhaustion crashes into her like a wave, pulling her under— _drowning_ her—the moment she wakes. Every morning, she has zero recollection of the jittery feeling that kept her awake. She wants to keep it like that, she almost does. But the coffee at the office does little to satisfy her needs, leading her to flood her insides with the caffeinated drink.

 

She has a problem and she’s well aware.

 

Yet her hands are always occupied, fingers wrapped around an aluminum can when they’d much rather be interlocked with Jinsoul’s. Each time she brings her mouth to a can, feeling the cold liquid meet her lips, she wishes it’s Jinsoul’s soft lips pressed against hers, not the cool surface of the metal.

 

Jungeun may have a problem, but one thing is for sure: Jinsoul is more addictive than any energy drink out there. (She definitely _tastes_ better, too.)

 

                                                                                                        ~*~

 

A knock at the door is what drags Jungeun’s attention away from the movie she’s watching. She places the nearly empty can of Red Bull on the table beside the couch, before rushing to the door, ignoring the pins and needles that prick at her left leg. She’s met with a friendly smile that she hasn’t realized she’s missed.

 

“Hey, Jungeun,” Haseul says with a warm tone that reminds her of her mother.

 

“Haseul,” she says with a grin, “what are you doing here?”

 

The easy-going smile disappears but Haseul continues to look at her with gentle eyes when she says, “Jinsoul told me you’ve been awfully quiet and she wanted me to check up on you.”

 

Jungeun frowns, then mumbles, “And here I thought you actually wanted to see me.”

 

The older girl’s gaze softens even more if that’s possible, and she says, “No, no, I _did_.”

 

Jungeun nods, wordlessly welcoming her in, then turns away to retreat to her spot on the couch. Haseul follows, looking around the apartment, trying to spot how well the blonde-haired girl has been without her girlfriend. She finds that the apartment is spotless. And by that, she means the entire apartment minus the living room and kitchen.

 

“Hey, uh, your kitchen’s a bit messy, huh?” Haseul isn’t sure why she makes it seem like a question when anyone with two eyes can see that it’s disorganized.

 

Jungeun pauses the movie she’s watching, not bothering to look up when she replies, “Yeah, I’ve been a little out of it lately.”

 

She immediately regrets saying that second part because Haseul jumps at the opportunity to help her. She wants to turn her offer down, but it seems like Haseul will continue to insist if she disagrees. It’s similar to the way her mom offers help and she knows to accept it; it’s something that you simply shouldn’t refuse. With a reluctant sigh, she says yes.

 

It’s safe to say she’s a little thrown off at how quickly Haseul rushes to the kitchen, immediately sorting things out. At first, she watches her and how she smoothly categorizes everything into stuff that’ll be kept, like utensils or cups, and things that should be thrown out. She snaps herself out of her daze, approaching Haseul to (clumsily) help her.

 

The older girl is tending to the dirty dishes in the sink while Jungeun focuses on putting empty cans and wrappers into a garbage bag, when she speaks up, calming asking, “Why is Jinsoul working during the night shift? She only gave me bits and pieces.”

 

Jungeun sighs, shoving the last of everything into the bag before tying it shut. She wonders if she should keep it brief or tell her the whole story.

 

Basically, one of the workers at the restaurant Jinsoul works at, failed to lock up correctly and two guys broke in. They looked for anything that held value before trashing the entire place. They flipped tables, broke chairs, smashed plates. They left the place in ruins.

 

Jinsoul is the first one they called once they cleaned up the mess and fixed the doors. Her boss asked her if she could take the night shift and lock up every day, as she’s one of their most responsible employees. It’s only temporary of course, they said it’ll last a month or so. Still, Jinsoul jumped at the opportunity, being the kind-hearted person she is.

 

“Some idiot didn’t lock up correctly and the restaurant was vandalized. Soul was the first person they called because she’s responsible and they trust her to lock up while they find someone willing to take the shift.”

 

Haseul lets out a small hum in response.

 

The kitchen falls silent, the only sound being the water rushing from the faucet as Haseul rinses off the last few plates. When they’re all put away, Jungeun walks back to the living room, expecting her friend to bid her farewell and leave. Instead, she hears the sound of the refrigerator opening, only to close seconds after. She ignores it, trying to concentrate on the movie that she’s almost finished watching.

 

She’s watching the movie—or at least, _trying_ to—when the sound of shuffling causes her to look up. The sight of a stern-looking Haseul, carrying a can of Red Bull, shouldn’t be surprising, but it doesn’t stop her jaw from dropping.

 

“What’s this?” Haseul asks. It’s a rhetorical question, they both know this.

 

Still, Jungeun answers. “Red Bull.”

 

“I _know_ ,” Haseul says with an eye roll. She lets out a sigh before saying, “What I meant was, why do you have this?”

 

Jungeun shrugs because she doesn’t want to feel even weaker by admitting that it helps her get through the day. Haseul stares at her longer as if she’s trying to force the answer out of the younger girl with nothing but her sharp gaze. It doesn’t work because Jungeun is still looking back at her with a blank, almost bored, expression.

 

Jungeun expects her to shoot her a disappointed look, then go into a lecture. She definitely doesn’t expect Haseul to walk away, open the refrigerator, and remove every can from the bottom shelf. She silently watches Haseul open each can before pouring the liquid down the kitchen sink without hesitation. The sound of splashing fills the kitchen, drowning out the pounding of her heart.

 

When Haseul is finished, she turns to her again, quietly saying, “You’re not drinking this anymore. If I come back and find more, I’m going to do the exact same thing.”

 

Jungeun wants to protest, wants to argue with her. She wants to tell her that she’s an adult, that she doesn’t have to listen to her. Except, she’s thankful for what Haseul did. So she swallows and mutters, “Okay.”

 

                                                                                                        ~*~

 

Jungeun wakes up to the feeling of Jinsoul urgently shaking her. The first thing she notices is how she’s broken into a cold sweat, heart racing at a million miles per hour. She’s up but her eyes are squeezed shut as she tries to burn the image of that _thing_ from her brain. Jinsoul’s whispering something to her, but she can’t process the words because she’s still scared.

 

Is she even awake? Is she still dreaming? If she opens her eyes will Jinsoul morph into something else? She feels a warm hand on her shoulder steady her but she’s—

 

“You’re okay,” Jinsoul says in a soothing voice. Jungeun hesitantly opens her eyes, slowly looking up at her girlfriend. Relief washes over her because it _is_ her girlfriend—a part of her was convinced that she was still sleeping—and she couldn’t be happier. Jinsoul’s eyes are wide open as if she didn’t wake just minutes ago, her eyebrows furrowed.

 

Jungeun’s heart swells at the image because she knows Jinsoul is sleepy, but here her girlfriend is looking at her with concern like she matters more to her than her sleep. Without a second thought, she launches herself at Jinsoul, throwing both arms around her.

 

Jinsoul makes a small sound in the back of her throat, but she wraps her arms around Jungeun nonetheless. With both of them pressed against each other, Jinsoul can feel the way her girlfriend’s heart is still racing and the way she continues to tremble. She doesn’t mention it, just holds her tighter as they drift off into sleep.

 

                                                                                                        ~*~

 

When Jungeun goes to give Jinsoul a good morning kiss as she always does, Jinsoul stops her to ask about what had her so shaken up. Jungeun waves it off dismissively, saying it was a silly dream. Jinsoul doesn’t pry any further, instead nodding her head before burying herself under the covers once more.

 

It wasn’t just a silly dream.

 

Jinsoul knows that, Jungeun is sure of it. If it was a dumb dream then she wouldn’t have been sweating or shaking. It was much closer to a nightmare, but the worst part about it was that she couldn’t _move_. She yelled yet no sound came out. The only way she got out of it was when she focused on moving her leg, and she must have successfully woken Jinsoul with a single kick because she jolted awake at the sensation of being shaken.

 

Jungeun isn’t ashamed to admit the first thing she did when she got home was call Haseul, asking her to come over. It’s exactly why Haseul and her girlfriend, Kahei, are sitting on the couch beside her as they watch some shitty movie that everyone claims is good.

 

She’s too entranced in the movie—it might be terrible but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to see how it ends—to notice that Haseul keeps falling asleep, waking up every so often when she begins to tip over, bumping into Kahei. It’s only when the ending credits begin to play, that the quiet pink-haired girl speaks up.

 

“I think it’s about time we get back home,” she whispers, trying not to wake the girl beside her.

 

A frown flits across Jungeun’s face, but it’s dark so she doesn’t think Kahei spots it. She nods her head slowly and whispers back, “Alright. Get back safe, okay?”

 

Kahei nods in response before gently rousing Haseul. She wakes up in a daze, looking confused as if she can’t remember where she is. After a minute, she pulls herself to her feet. Lazily, she hands the car keys in her pocket to Kahei, who clutches them tightly in her small hand. Kahei gives one last wave, then drags a sleepy Haseul out the apartment with her.

 

The door shuts and Jungeun feels her stomach drop.

 

Truthfully, she’s been dreading Kahei and Haseul’s parting since they first arrived. They helped distract her from the annoying thoughts that filled her head. Now that they’re gone, the thoughts swarm her, making it hard to think. All she can think about is how she’s alone and Jinsoul won’t be back until she’s asleep, and that’s enough time for her to have sleep paralysis.

 

With hesitant, heavy steps, she walks to the place she’s hasn’t been looking forward to, flicking on a light to illuminate the dark bedroom. She doesn’t realize she’s holding her breath until she sits on her side of the bed. She forces herself to lie down and pull the covers over herself.

 

She shuts her eyes, attempting to push everything out of her head. She tries hard not to think about Jinsoul’s side of the bed, only to fail miserably. She misses her. She misses feeling her warmth even though Jinsoul’s body heat always seems to be higher than what should be possible, making Jungeun sweat from just being beside her. Her side of the bed is empty and cold. It’s exactly like the apartment when Jungeun arrives home from work everyday.

 

Her mind drifts off to her recent nightmare and uneasiness washes over her. An image of the dark figure that loomed over her flashes behind her eyelids. In her dream, a shadow-like figure had occupied Jinsoul’s side of the bed. She ignored it to the best of her ability, but her hair was standing on end, and when she tried to move away, she was frozen in place.

 

It edged closer to her before climbing on top of her, holding her in place (as if she couldn’t already move). The first thing she noticed was its face, or lack thereof. At that point she’d been breathing hard but it pressed down on her chest, making every breath painful. Death would’ve been better than having that thing anywhere near her.

 

She was scared and wanted nothing more but to wake up. Then it _spoke._ Or at least, she thinks it did. She’s not certain because it didn’t seem to have a mouth and the noises it emitted weren’t actual words. It was an unpleasant sound, unnaturally high-pitched, that morphed into a static-like din.

 

She’s on her feet in seconds, feeling a little light-headed from getting up too quickly, and she grabs a pillow and blanket, dragging it to the living room with her. The couch isn’t too comfortable—it’s unfortunate because it’s so pretty—but she doesn’t care much. If she lies on that bed any longer, she’ll never be able to fall asleep.

 

                                                                                                        ~*~

 

Jinsoul doesn’t fail to notice her girlfriend sprawled out on the couch in the living room when she arrives home. She noticed that she started sleeping there a few days ago, yet she hasn’t brought it up. She has a good feeling it’s related to the nightmare Jungeun had not too long ago, and she doesn’t need confirmation (not that Jungeun would ever admit it).

 

She approaches the younger girl carefully, afraid to wake her even though she knows Jungeun is a deep sleeper. She’s tired but she manages to scoop her up in her arms with minor difficulty. It doesn’t take her long to reach their bedroom, where she gently puts her girlfriend down.

 

She flicks the lights off before crawling into bed with her, wrapping an arm around her waist as she does every night. She pulls her close, so close that if Jungeun was awake, she’d be pushing her away, complaining about her body heat. But she isn’t awake and Jinsoul takes advantage of it.

 

She kisses the top of her head, then buries her face in Jungeun’s blonde hair. It’s been 4 years but Jungeun still smells the exact same. She smells like freshly cleaned clothes that have just been taken out of the dryer, with the only difference being the scent of the shampoo she’s grown so fond of using and the perfume Jinsoul bought her as a gift. She smells like a nice sunny day, like their first date. She smells like everything Jinsoul's grown to love.

 

Jinsoul’s childhood and teenage years are filled with the overwhelming stench of cigarettes and alcohol. Growing up, her house looked like everyone else’s but the smell of baked cookies and scented candles never wafted through the air. She’s never known what the word ‘home’ meant. Despite this, she thinks she might have finally figured it out.

 

Jungeun’s body rises and falls with slow, steady breaths and Jinsoul feels a sense of security. Having Jungeun wrapped in her arms, the rest of the world melting away into the background, is an indescribable feeling. It’s as if nothing else matters but them. Like the nighttime was created with them in mind. Like the moon was carved specifically for their eyes. Jinsoul has never said this aloud, but she’s convinced her arms were made for the sole intent of holding Jungeun like this, in the privacy of their bedroom where the same scene is performed, like a piece from a play. Except, they’re the main roles and there’s no audience.

 

Jinsoul’s lulled to sleep by the steady rhythm of Jungeun’s heart. One thought occupies her mind as she drifts into unconsciousness.

 

Being with Jungeun feels like home.

 

                                                                                                        ~*~

 

Jinsoul stirs when Jungeun begins to pull away at the familiar sound of her alarm. She lets out a quiet whine at the sudden loss of warmth. Jungeun’s just begun to toss the covers off of herself when Jinsoul reaches out and grabs her wrist, ignoring the rush of cold air that nearly causes her to retract her arm back under the protection of the warm blankets.

 

“Stay.”

 

Jungeun huffs. “Jinsoul, I have to get ready for work.”

 

“Please,” Jinsoul says in a groggy voice. She’s seen how the bags under Jungeun’s eyes have gotten increasingly worse and wants her to sleep more.

 

Jungeun curses herself for being so weak because once she gets one look at her girlfriend, all thoughts of work fly out the window. She’s always had a weak spot for the face Jinsoul makes when she pleads and now is no different. Jungeun can’t say no to her, not when she’s looking at her with eyes that are only partially opened, disheveled hair that she somehow manages to find cute, and a small pout tugging at her lips.

 

She’s already lying back down when she mutters, “Fine.”

 

It doesn’t take long for them to resume their previous spots, Jinsoul’s arm around her and her leaning into Jinsoul (if Jinsoul wasn’t sleeping already, she’d say that this is “snuggling”). She doesn’t realize she’s falling asleep until drowsiness is tugging at her eyelids and she’s unable to open them.

 

                                                                                                        ~*~

 

Jungeun’s eyes fly open once she realizes that she still has to go to work. She glances at the clock on the nightstand beside her, finding that it reads ‘8:46 a.m.’. Her stomach sinks because she starts work at 9:00 a.m. and she’s never going to get there on time.

 

Jinsoul rouses as Jungeun reaches over to grab something she can’t see. Her hand snaps out, grabbing onto her so she can pull her back down to the bed. Jungeun gently pries her fingers off her.

 

“I’m just grabbing my phone,” she says in a monotone voice, but when she turns to Jinsoul, a soft smile plays on her lips.

 

Jungeun is typing her password in when Jinsoul sleepily asks, “What time is it?”

 

“8:48.”

 

“Oh shit,” Jinsoul exclaims, sitting up instantly, suddenly feeling wide awake.

 

“Yeah,” Jungeun sighs.

 

Jinsoul watches her girlfriend stare at her phone with a frown, guilt slamming into her. It’s her fault Jungeun fell back asleep, her fault that she’s going to be late for work.

 

“You should start getting ready now if you don’t want to be any later,” she says in a quiet voice.

 

“No, it’s fine,” the other girl answers, dismissing her suggestion with a wave of her hand. “I’m going to call in sick.”

 

Jinsoul doesn’t say anything afterward, instead watching Jungeun dial a number before bringing her phone up to her ear. She’s as silent as she can be when Jungeun says, “Hey, I can’t come into work today. I’m feeling a little under the weather.” A smile replaces her frown when Jungeun lets out a believable cough that would have fooled her if she was the one on the other line. For a few moments, Jungeun falls silent, listening intently to the person on the other side.

 

A sigh, then, “No, I’m not actually sick.”

 

She falls silent a second time, right before a relieved smile breaks out on her face. “Thanks, Jiwoo,” she says, then ends the call. She turns to Jinsoul, “I can make breakfast if you’d like.”

 

“That’s a nice offer, but I’m going to help,” Jinsoul says, with a small smile. Jungeun is on her feet in the blink of an eye, almost out the door, when she’s stopped. “Wait! I have something to tell you.”

 

Jungeun turns, quirking an eyebrow, “What is it?”

 

Jinsoul stands, walking over to her as she says, “I was planning on telling you later but then I made you late for work and I feel bad, so I might as well say it now.” Jungeun looks confused, however, that doesn’t last much longer when Jinsoul says, “Today’s supposed to be my last day working the night shift.”

 

“Someone took the position?” Jungeun asks, wide eyes contradicted by the huge grin plastered on her face.

 

“Yup,” Jinsoul says, popping the ‘p’.

 

“We should hang out before you have to get to work,” Jungeun suggests.

 

Jinsoul shakes her head, causing Jungeun’s eyebrows to furrow. “About that…”

 

“What? What else is there?” Jungeun asks, growing impatient as her girlfriend stares at her with an annoyingly cute smile. “Jesus Christ, Jinsoul. Just spit it out al—”

 

Her words are cut off by a soft pair of lips. Her irritation melts away as she melts into Jinsoul’s hold. It’s an effective way to shut her up which is why Jinsoul does it whenever she needs her girlfriend to stop rambling for a few seconds. When she pulls away, Jungeun’s staring at her with rosy cheeks.

 

“I’m going to call in sick,” Jinsoul says, the same smile playing on her lips.

 

“Huh? You’re not—” Jungeun starts and she sighs before kissing her to silence her words and thoughts again. She’s in a daze when Jinsoul pulls away a second time and she decides she should say it now, in case Jungeun continues to ramble.

 

“I think I caught whatever you have.”

 

It takes a second for the younger blonde to process it, but when she does, her cheeks flush a deep red. She turns away, mumbling something about having to cook breakfast, then disappears. Jinsoul laughs to herself, finding her girlfriend’s embarrassment endearing.

 

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Jungeun is internally celebrating the news. She’ll be able to spend the nights with Jinsoul like she’s used to, and today they’ll be able to spend the day together. She’s missed the little things, like eating dinner with Jinsoul. Their table is made for two and it slipped her mind multiple times when she made dinner for herself. Eating dinner never felt right when Jinsoul wasn’t sitting across from her.

 

She’s missed the way Jinsoul’s legs always find a way to her lap when they watch movies or a show together. Or the way Jinsoul cups her jaw whenever they kiss. And the way Jinsoul’s fingers gently trail her skin, making her feel a range of emotions with a single touch. Most importantly, she’s missed falling asleep with Jinsoul’s arms wrapped around her, making her feel as if she’s protected from everything and anything that can harm her.

 

Tonight will be different because Jinsoul will be beside her. Jinsoul’s voice will soothe the buzzing thoughts in her head. Her arms will encircle Jungeun, acting as both a shield and an anchor. Her slow and steady breath will melt into the gentle wind that seeps in when they leave the windows open for the night, successfully lulling her into slumber. Tonight she’ll get the sleep that she’s been so desperately craving but never been able to attain.

**Author's Note:**

> i came up with the idea for this about a month ago. i had writer's block for a while, but i finally got around to finishing it. it didn't turn out the way i thought it would; however, i like it a lot. i'd like to see what you thought about it, your comments are greatly appreciated (they really encourage me, too).  
> you can find me on twitter at @allhailhyejoo


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